procrastination

(Janie Taylor, ballerina - clothing by Chloé - photography by Bon Duke - all found here)

I haven't posted in ages. I will default and blame work. In reality it's more the adjustment to changes in work-life balance. Been traveling 4 days a week for the past 6 weeks, resulting in combined feelings of homesickness and homelessness. Sitting in the hotel at night I don't exactly want to be in front of my laptop all the time, and I find myself more often on the phone. When back in Boston I am excited and energized, but also bleary-eyed and overwhelmed with trying to be super-productive.

Trying not to whine, just adjust.

At the moment I am hanging out with PowerPoint and what's left of 4-hour old room service. As much as I just need to get this done and get in bed, I find myself reverting to my college self and procrastinating.

I keep watching this video of Janie Taylor, fueling dance inspiration and visions of wedding attire.

hello, poland

Warsaw Photodiary, Part I:

(my seat bos->zurich, breakfast, airport in zurich, new passport stamps, hotel & view in warsaw)

Monday afternoon. My phone rings. It's my manager. "Hey Amelia, how's it going? How do you feel about going to Poland on Wednesday?"

So here I am. Hello, Warsaw.. you are cold and grey. (Well below freezing and I think the sun set while I was in the shower at 3pm). Hopefully the gloom is just because it's dark out - daylight will offer some opportunities for exploration before I have client obligations, I hope.

Flight over was pretty nice. Swiss Air is great, especially when your boss gets you an upgrade to Business (thanks, John). Fully reclining chair made for decent sleep, plus there was good food, and my own tv made it complete.

Was met at baggage claim by my hotel limo service (Mercedes, cute driver) and took in some of the scenery enroute to the hotel.

I had an early dinner and some ginormous beers at some local joint with a few Americans I met in the hotel. Three UPS pilots, really fun guys. It's great meeting people with totally different lives.. adds a little perspective.

More photos will come soon.. of Thanksgiving in Baltimore and of (surprise!) Warsaw.

heigh-ho, heigh-ho

I generally try to avoid writing about work. I don't like feeling work dominates my life, although that is probably closer to a reality for me than I would like to admit.

Regardless, it would be a complete lie to say work doesn't affect me. It dictates where I physically am from day to day, how tired I am, to some extent what I wear, and even what / where I eat. It's difficult to not seem like I'm complaining about it, but work often (although certainly not always) dominates my life.

I periodically wonder why I'm doing what I do, and whether it's worth it. I am rapidly approaching my 4-year anniversary with the company. FOUR years. I can hardly believe I have been out of college for that long, much less at one place of employment for that long.

Yes, I feel like I am still learning and I am challenged daily. Without a doubt, these things are of utmost importance. But it's hard to trump a few things. Regardless of a career path and the actual material of one's work, I feel like it's about the time spent being worth it - and to me that comes down to three factors:

1. Advancement: If there's no forward / upward mobility, no achievable professional goals within grasp, then what's the point?
2. Compensation: Let's be real. If the pay doesn't justify the hours, if the strains on personal life aren't outbalanced (or at least balanced) by benefits, then what's the point?
3. People: This can be debated, but at least for me, the people I work with impact my daily life and my personal state of being in a huge way. In fact, the people often make all of this worth it for me, trumping #1 and #2.

I guess all of this has been on my mind as I approach this anniversary - a stake in the ground that reminds me what I've been up to, how much of my life I have dedicated to it, and the unspoken question of how much longer I will stick around.

It's difficult to consider a new job and the associated new location, new surroundings, and new people, when a routine has been established, when relationships have grown, and when life already works the way it is. But when it comes down to it, I'd make life work regardless. There is no other option. And change is probably in order more often than not. So maybe it's time to face all the scary bits and think about what I really want.

The above #s 1, 2, and 3 can be found in a lot of places. It would be easiest for me to stay in Boston, particularly as I've put down roots here and the thought of moving again too soon makes me queasy.

As I've mulled over this in the past month or so, I had somewhat "decided" to stay for about another year. But that decision has left me still a little uneasy. Some things still aren't quite right, and I don't want to feel like I'm settling, just doing what's easiest.

Maybe it's time to push myself harder and step out of the comfortable cocoon I have made for myself here. I need to make a few (unreasonable?) requests and put things in motion to improve the quality of this life. This life needs change.

goodbye, october

The weeks just keep flying by. Nothing incredibly interesting has happened recently, but here goes regardless...
The periodontist cut up my mouth a week or so ago, resulting in my being drugged up and unable to eat until about two days ago. The pain didn't really hit until about six days after surgery, and actually brought me to tears which really surprised me and kinda freaked me out since I tend to have a higher pain threshold. The surgeon even told me I'd make the perfect wife because I handle pain well. (This was before the tears, and also made me wonder what marital horrors he's been through...)

I acquired another painting, which I have yet to mount. It was done by a lovely Brazilian artist, Camila, whose warmth and ease I quickly recognized and admired.

(The Orange Place by Camila Silva)

I discovered my first grey hair. Had me wonder how long that's actually been there, just hiding amidst the fakeblonde. I guess the good news is, my real hair is coming back. Oh, by the way, I'm growing it out.

Work brought me to Chicago last week, but between the pain and drugs I couldn't really eat anything, wine was out of the question, and it was depressing watching everyone play while I struggled to just stay awake. Through the haze, the highlights were the Museum of Science + Industry (particularly the Smart Home, which I found very inspiring for my own renovations) and Otom (their gnocchi was my first solid meal post-surgery, huge yum!).

(photos by J.B. Spector.. they didn't allow photography)

(otom, chicago)

It's Halloween and I haven't even had any candy today. Maybe it's time I ran to the store.

howdy, y'all

While many of you were in bed Monday morning because it was Columbus Day / Canadian Thanksgiving / you are lazy, I was on a 6am flight to Dallas. Thank you, work.

But I really can't complain because the first two days here were kinda a paid vacation (although not what I would have picked on my own). I'm here doing a little bit of market research / consumer insights stuff for this project I'm on, so Monday and Tuesday were mostly "cultural safari", which is fancymarketingtalk for riding around Dallas in a limo bus checking stuff out, writing notes, and having profound thoughts. Not bad. Maybe I need to consider a career change.

Among many things work-related and not, I had an old-fashioned pharmacy-made lime freeze, had some crazygood jalapeno ranch popcorn, tasted many wines at Cork via a series of touchscreens which allow you to purchase a taste, glass or bottle (fun!), picked up some venezuelan fudge with rose petal jam and mahleeba (?!), and went to the Texas State Fair, which is apparently the largest state fair in the country, if not the world. Honestly, the fair was the least exciting for me, although the "corny dog" was really good. Was a little intimidated by the jalapeno cheese stuffed corny dog, which I slightly regret, although I'm sure my arteries thank me. I was also stuffed from a day of grazing, and chose to skip the fried beer, fried butter, fried pickles, fried s'mores.....

(dallas)

I'm really looking forward to American Thanksgiving, when the five of us will all actually be together in Baltimore. Christmas will be quite the different story, but I guess I can't always have it my way.

Also really excited for this weekend in Boston, as I feel like some progress is finally visible in the apartment. The living room is painted and the couch is moved in. I think I have some wall art and a rug picked out, so we might be getting civilized soon!

I need to find a way to dance more. And stretch.

rainy monday

Been raining all day. Kinda a drag, especially since I'm on the road. Would be so happy if I had my rain boots (and if they were appropriate work attire).

I can't believe it's been a week since my last post. Sometimes it really baffles me how quickly the time passes, and I do have to wonder if I'm spending it in the most productive way. Productive not necessarily equating to efficiency, but more focusing on progress towards some (admittedly undefined) end goal.

Been in a bit of a reflective state lately, I think a combined effect of having recently seen family, visited with old friends, and started yet another project at work. All have made me realize time has passed and that whether or not I have been conscious of it, I had / have some expectations about what life would look like at this point. Of course the reality doesn't exactly mirror the expectations. And that's okay. In some ways it's better; but there are other undeniable areas for improvement and focus.

Somewhat choppy photodiary of the past week. Philly with Jason to recruit at Wharton, but the real highlight was seeing Steph...

NY for work didn't warrant any photos, but Fri night back in the Bean meant Royale with some dancers...


Drove to CT on Sat with Bella (!!!) for Nick & Naoco's wedding. Beautiful, heartfelt, and sincere but lighthearted and playful. Great to reunite with so many amazing and fun people from MIT. Wish I had taken more photos, but it seemed like many others had that well under control.



Got back on Sunday and spent the evening eating leftover Cracker Barrel from the ride home (thanks, Andre), watching Nikita, finally finishing the closets, and starting to paint the hallways. The cordless drill is a great invention.

Looking ahead I think I'm in NY, Dallas, and Chicago across upcoming weeks. My body aches to dance. I miss my Nailz.

slow & steady

Life has been dominated by the apartment and work. I finally took a couple days off (to take care of apartment stuff, and because I was maxed out on vacay) but it doesn't seem to have made a huge difference. But the pile of stuff in the middle of the living room is slowly disappearing and I may actually sleep in my bedroom tonight.

Lots of small setbacks. Lots of things to buy. Looking forward to shopping with my mommy this weekend and getting it all straight in my head.

But today at work I got a staffing / scheduling surprise. Looks like I'm only going to be in Boston for 2 nights through the end of the month. I imagine I won't bee too productive around here so better hurry up tonight!

No photo updates for now. Progress doesn't look good enough to document. Focus on Bmore tomorrow. And packing lots of work clothes. If I can find them.

slow down, you move too fast

I'm super slow getting to this, and now only know thanks to my Buzz feed, but this article almost made me cry.

I often wonder what I'm doing, feeling like a lemming, as I come and go from work always in a rush, hurrying past people on and off the T, usually distracted by my iPod or Blackberry. When did I become so stereotypically Financial District?

I'd like to think I would have noticed Joshua Bell if he had been playing at Park Street - in fact, I'm fairly certain I would have recognized that there was talent there. But not so sure I would have hung around to listen.

It's sad to be such a slave to the clock. When do we stop to smell the roses?

sunshine, a/c, and dustbunnies

Nervously awaiting news on my potential new home. Trying to clean / pack / get rid of junk. How have I accumulated SO MUCH stuff in the past 2 years? I supposed I moved in with a lot, but really? Looking through my closet I realize how much my style has changed since college. People I don't see too often would comment on this from time to time but I never felt I looked very different. I guess I never felt I changed much, but in retrospect, perhaps I actually have.

I feel like I've been in a prolonged quarter-life crisis. It first reared its ugly head a few months after I started working about 3.5 years ago (where did the time go?!). The difficulties of adjusting to the "real world" and trying to be "grown up", trying to go out too much and work too much and feel energized and happy at the same time. How did I think it was possible? I suppose I still do it, but I think I have finally started to know my limits, and accept that some sacrifices are necessary.

Before I moved into my current apartment 2 years ago I considered buying a place. It seemed to make sense because who really wants to toss away thousands of green on rent, never to be seen again? It doesn't seem worth it for a place to call home that isn't really home. But then the reality of actually being in debt for the first time in my life scared me (yes, it's been a privileged life for me, thanks mom & dad). And the thought of feeling tied to Boston freaked me out even more. I didn't love it here and I thought if I owned something here, how would I ever leave?

Somehow it all seems okay now. I love Boston. And while this has been true for some time now, I've only recently felt okay saying it. Sometimes I still wonder if I'm settling because of the comfort, the familiarity of being here. But I'm not convinced that's all it is - I think I'm actually quite fond of the city. So now I'm looking at a few more years in this place. Yes, leaving will still be a possibility, because for me, figuring out what I want to be when I grow up is more important than where I want to be (I know I do not want to be in Wisconsin.. JK it wasn't thaaat bad!)

But to be serious, I suppose the real factors are who, where, and what, and then you make the when and the how happen. In other words, who you want to be with, where you want to be, what you want to be doing. Usually knowing one or two of the above forces the third to be flexible and then the rest falls into place. But what if you don't know any of the above? Where do you find direction???
It's slowly been sinking in that my best friend is married. MARRIED. Darling: So glad you found the who, but why does the where have to be so freakin' far?!

(my darling and her boo, may 2010)

Had an amazing dance day, but we'll save the gushing for another time. Back to waiting nervously by the phone, playing with dustbunnies and pretending to pack.

thoughts from the platinum fireplace suite

I have been meaning to post again, but finding a subject - a direction, a motivating factor - has been difficult. I have been seeking something I feel is relevant. Something that comes from a real place. Rather than continuing to doubt and delay, I finally just started writing because I guess the reality is that whatever is going on at this moment is what is relevant, right?

It turns out Appleton, Wisconsin has a lot of bars. And even out here, seafood can be good. When wrapped in bacon. And served over truffled wild mushroom risotto. No, for real, it was delicious.

It also seems some things are just too difficult to reconcile without facing head-on. People are complicated creatures (although when it comes down to it, really very simple) - but this makes it all the more frustrating when, try as I may, I just can't understand. Motivations, weaknesses, reasons, excuses. It all becomes muddled. How do you know when you are okay with things? And what does that even mean?

For a completely unrelated reason, these next few weeks could be quite telling of my next few years. It will be good to get home to Boston (is that really my home?) to get back to procrastinating packing. I think I'll sew instead.